How Many Times is it Socially Acceptable to Watch Kindergarten Cop in Any Given 30-Day Period?

Geez, you watch Kindergarten Cop a totally healthy and not all questionable number of times in a 30-day period and all of a sudden Roku is like “Arnold Schwarzenegger must be your favorite star”. Apparently. I realize Arnold Schwarzenegger is supposed to be the hero, but Phoebe is an under appreciated heroine. She’s a laid back cop who unabashedly loves to eat, thus paving the way for the bizarre premise. She is supposed to go undercover as a kindergarten teacher but becomes terribly sick with food poisoning at the last minute and Schwarzenegger must take her place despite having no experience teaching or even with children at all.

Kindergarten Cop Movie Poster

Phoebe, played by Pamela Reed, now recovered from her illness, immediately gets hit with a case of coitus-interuptis, as Schwarzenegger accidentally walks in on her celebrating her birthday with her fiancé. Phoebe knows what she likes, and that is to eat delicious food. She absolutely loves her bumbling and extremely average betrothed, and she boasts of his amazing cooking skills. Of course she is marrying a top chef, absolutely follow your passions, girl!

Phoebe is the opposite of the stoic police officer trope, and is extremely personable and comfortable pushing Schwarzenegger to assess his emotional connections to things. She’s an excellent detective who embraces her humanity over the uniform, demonstrating a surprisingly healthy work-life balance for her stereotypical cop partner. She knows when to take the job with a laugh, but when it’s time to get serious - watch out!

It’s a rom-com so obviously Schwarzenegger has to fall for the subject he’s been sent to locate, another teacher at the school who’s child is in his class. He was sent to get her to testify against her baby daddy, a man she fled and has been hiding from ever since. The Big Bad Guy wants his son back, and is finally able to locate him by following the police trail. When the teacher discovers her new hottie is police and not actually the new kindergarten teacher she takes her son and tries to flee again, but Schwarzenegger convinces her he can protect them both.

The BBG is comically civilized, getting away with criminal activity by being wealthy and “civilized,” an image furthered by traveling with his mother in a picture of polite upper class society. He can’t be a criminal because [gasp] he’s getting a manicure with his mommy and wearing an expensive blazer! When he finds the school where his son has been enrolled he promptly starts a fire so he can kidnap the kid.

Aware of the increased danger, Phoebe joins Schwarzenegger at school to teach the kids about “stranger danger” so she happens to be present when the fire is set. The BBG’s Mom hits her with a car to stop her from interfering, while Schwarzenegger has a confrontation with the Big Bad Guy in the locker room. What’s more, he’s losing because the Big Bad Guy keeps pointing the gun at his own son’s head. The son stuffed the class pet ferret in his shirt when they were preparing to exit because of the fire, and the little chomper makes his appearance just in time to bite the BBG right in the neck. This gives Schwarzenegger an opening to shoot him, but then the BBG’s mother arrives and shoots Schwarzenegger.

Phoebe gets to deliver an amazing line as she saves the day, sneaking up and smacking the BBG’s mom with a baseball bat. Despite being the secondary role, Phoebe is kind of the star of the whole movie. Of course there is a happy ending for the romantic lead, but Phoebe already has her happy ending lined up and waiting for her. She’s marrying a man who knows damn well how to cook for her.